Published September 25, 2025 | By Dayae Kim, LMFT, Collectors MD Referral Network

When I work with couples, I sometimes see them argue in session. I was recently working with one couple who began by catching me up on their week. As they recounted a disagreement, they quickly slipped into replaying the argument itself—each focused on defending their actions.

Seeing this, I paused them before things escalated and asked, “What were you feeling initially?” After a moment of silence, each partner began to share the emotions driving their reactions. This shift allowed them to move beyond the details of the disagreement into something deeper: vulnerability. By the end of session, they validated each other’s feelings and even scheduled a date night for the following week.

Nearly every couple—myself included—falls into this cycle. It’s easy to get lost in specifics (“you said this, I did that”), but that often prevents couples from addressing what truly matters. Small details can trigger defensiveness, burying the real issue under a pile of blame.

Feelings like resentment, anger, and frustration often grow out of things we don’t feel comfortable sharing with our partners. Sometimes it’s shame, other times it’s fear of how they’ll react—but either way, unspoken truths pile up. That’s why honesty is so essential. Transparency creates trust, while secrecy slowly erodes it.

Honesty and transparency become especially crucial when finances are involved. Whether it’s spending habits, collecting, or managing household money, secrecy erodes trust. When one partner hides purchases, minimizes costs, or avoids conversations about money, the relationship absorbs the tension. Money is not just numbers—it’s tied to security, values, and respect. Couples who practice openness around financial choices create a foundation where misunderstandings don’t quietly grow into resentments.

In my work, I’ve seen how secrecy around spending, collecting, or financial decisions quietly strains relationships. A hidden purchase, a minimized cost, or a credit card bill kept out of sight doesn’t just impact the budget—it chips away at the sense of safety and partnership. Money carries meaning: security, values, respect. And when those meanings are distorted by silence, the cracks widen.

When couples choose honesty over secrecy, they open up new chapters together—ones written with trust instead of hidden tension.

So how do couples begin to break free from the cycle and build deeper understanding?

• Pause And Identify Emotions: Before replaying who said what, ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now?” This small step helps uncover underlying emotions like fear, hurt, or frustration.

• Shift From Blame To Curiosity: Instead of asking: “Whose fault is this?” try: “What did you need from me in that moment?” Curiosity creates connection.

• Use “I” Statements: Say: “I felt hurt when” instead of “you always”. Framing experiences this way reduces defensiveness and makes space for empathy.

• Be Transparent With Finances: If collecting or spending is part of your life, talk openly about it. Share not just the numbers, but also the emotions behind them—joy, anxiety, nostalgia, or fear. Transparency removes the weight of secrecy and replaces it with partnership.

• Practice Active Listening: Reflect back what you hear: “I hear that you felt ___, and that makes sense”. This acknowledgment can transform conflict into connection.

Arguments are inevitable. But when couples pause to share emotions—and when they choose honesty over secrecy, especially around finances—they strengthen trust instead of eroding it. Vulnerability creates the space for healing, and openness keeps that space safe.
If you or someone you know is looking to start therapy or seeking a new therapist, you’re always welcome to schedule a consultation with me.

#CollectorsMD
Healthy relationships are built on honesty—especially when it comes to money. Transparency isn’t just about finances, it’s about trust.

—
Follow us on Instagram: @collectorsmd
Subscribe to our Newsletter & Support Group
Join The Conversation On Mantel
Read More Daily Reflections