Published August 20, 2025 | By Dayae Kim, LMFT, Collectors MD Referral Network

We’ve all been there. We start feeling really good about ourselves, thinking we can accomplish everything. We, understandably, set big goals—get up early, eat healthy, work out every day, maintain social engagements, excel at work, etc. And for a while, we manage to keep up with it all.

But then, life happens.

You have a tough day at work. You get into an argument with a partner, friend, or co-worker. You get sick and miss a workout. Your kids need more attention. Suddenly, it becomes harder to meet the goals you set. That feeling of “I can do it all!” fades, and suddenly you feel like a failure.

With that feeling of failure often comes the opposite extreme: nothing. You ask yourself, “What’s the point?” Negative self-talk creeps in, and you start believing you can’t accomplish anything. You fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking.

One of my clients has struggled with this as well. When she’s in the all-or-nothing mindset, she experiences great successes, but when life throws her a curveball, it’s hard for her to recover. She feels like a failure and blames herself instead of recognizing that not everything is within her control. Over time, she’s realized that her anxiety drives this mindset as a way to try and control everything. As she’s learned to accept that she can’t control it all, we’ve worked on ways to soften this rigid thinking.

So, how can we work through the all-or-nothing mentality?

• Raise awareness of your internal dialogue – Notice how you talk to yourself when things don’t go as planned.

• Speak to yourself with compassion – Treat yourself the way you’d treat a good friend. Be kind and understanding rather than harsh or critical.

• Set realistic and manageable goals – Start small. Instead of aiming to overhaul your entire routine, pick one achievable step, like eating one healthy meal or going for one walk a week.

• Learn self-soothing strategies – When anxiety creeps in, have calming techniques to ground yourself in the present.

• Celebrate your successes – Keep a list of what you’ve been doing well. It’s a reminder of progress when things feel overwhelming.

My client has made great strides by becoming more compassionate with herself. When she’s feeling good, she accomplishes her goals. When she doesn’t hit every mark, she’s learning to speak gently to herself and adjust her goals to meet her current needs. She also keeps an ongoing list of the positive things she’s accomplished and refers to them when she gets stuck in the all-or-nothing mentality.

In the collecting hobby, this same mindset often shows up. We tell ourselves we need to buy every release, chase every big card, or hit every card show to “do the hobby right”. And when we fall short—miss out on a card, overspend, or take a break—we feel like we’ve failed. But collecting doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing. By setting realistic boundaries, practicing self-compassion, and celebrating the small wins—like picking up a card that truly brings joy instead of chasing what the internet tells us to—we create a healthier relationship with the hobby.

Softening the all-or-nothing mentality takes time and patience, but with awareness and compassion, we can all shift toward a more balanced approach—in life and in collecting.

#CollectorsMD
The hobby isn’t about doing it all. It’s about doing what feels intentional and meaningful to you.

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